For my entire life, I felt regret, a DEEP sadness, and in my opinion – the worst of negative feelings – abandonment. I thought my father, of all people, had abandoned me. I found out late in my life that my father WANTED to be around my sister and I. Before her death on March 3rd, 2009, my mother confessed that she kept him away due to societal misconceptions in the early 1970s concerning unmarried parents. I always knew it. My father, on the three occasions I saw him, exuded love and fatherly virtue. I remember him gazing upon me in awe as if I were a diamond in the rough. I thank God for his absence during my childhood, it made me strive to be the best father I could be. The examples of love, compassion, and altruism he epitomized, stay with me to this day.

It took me a while, but as I assimilated back into the Christian faith, I made a decision, and I chose to forgive my father for my misunderstanding. I made a choice to do that. It was then, however, that my world was SHOOK. I found out he passed away on April 15th, 2002. Although I would have preferred to do it in person, I made a conscious, informed decision to visit my father’s gravesite to forgive him. I could feel my heart pulling me there.

“Surely it is much more generous to forgive and remember, than to forgive and forget.” ~ Maria Edgeworth

I had been on a work visit in Piscataway, New Jersey, and decided I would leverage this opportunity to visit his gravesite at Frederick W. Loescher Veterans Memorial Cemetery in Spring Valley, New York. It was only a little over an hour’s drive.

I recalled seeing fellow veterans getting rubbings at the Vietnam Veterans memorial. I decided I would get a rubbing of my father’s gravestone. So I headed to an art store to get the supplies. They were completely out of tracing paper and black chalk or anything equivalent. I asked one of the associates for help, and what she did next was one of the nicest things anyone could have ever done. She just happened to have been working on a project, and she gave me her personal supplies so that I could get the gravestone rubbing done. I thanked her and headed to the Veterans Cemetery.

I had no idea where my father was buried, so I checked online but could find nothing. I tried getting in contact with the graveyard keeper, ANYBODY. There was a phone number posted on the door of the administration building, but no one was answering or returning my calls. No one was anywhere in sight. So, I decided to look for myself (what else was I going to do…leave?). I walked row by row of the gravestones of our country’s bravest veterans, looking for my father’s gravestone. After about 30 minutes, I started to wonder if he was even buried there. However, I was on a mission, and I did not intend to give up. However, I started to rush and nearly missed it. I specifically recall hearing a loud noise at my 12 o’clock as I scanned the gravestones, so I glanced up for between 10 or 15 seconds. I was hoping it was someone who could help. it wasn’t, but what happened next – I can only explain as divine. Right before my left foot struck the ground on my next step, I heard a faint “My Son” behind me and level with the ground. I KNOW what I heard. It was so clear that I actually thought someone was there, but there wasn’t. What was there was my father’s gravestone.

I screamed, “Dad!” and immediately fell to my knees and began to pray and beg for my father’s forgiveness. When I say I fell to my knees, I mean I literally sunk to the ground, like a weight was on my shoulders. I had never experienced that before. I have NEVER shed as many tears as I did that day. It had been decades since I cried like that. What happened next was the catalyst for my accepting Jesus Christ as my savior and KNOWING God existed.

As I lay there crying, I suddenly felt an embrace, like an ACTUAL embrace. As the embrace tightened, I started to feel the weight coming off of me. The next thing I knew I was out cold – if only for a few seconds. Then, as I came to, I could feel myself gasping for air and I suddenly felt light as air, surrounded by the BRIGHTEST LIGHT, and felt my entire body consumed by the WARMEST WARMTH.

What was once UTTER emptiness, IMPOSSIBLE darkness, and an unyielding coldness became the brightest light, the warmest warmth – my NEW memory of my father.

I spent a long time figuring out what I am to do with this new light. I would pray on it, receiving answers from my Heavenly Father such as “Release it!”, or “Let it go!”. I spent quite some time contemplating in what way I would leverage this light I have received. Why would God have me release something so beautiful that he gifted me?

Then there was the Enlightenment. I had been praying for specific, explicit instructions on how I am to use this gift of light. Then, in a thunderous roar, I heard a voice tell me “Release it!” “Let it go!” “CAST YOUR LIGHT, MY SON”! 

In what I could only describe as a divine moment, I discovered my true purpose. I am to cast out this gift of light FAR and WIDE. My purpose is now to cast light as far and wide as humanly possible without seeking a response…just understanding. God will take care of the rest.

I spent all that time reflecting on what a father ISN’T, and in that moment of light and warmth, my faith and understanding were made anew. Through this beautiful new memory of my father, “THIS” father was shown by “THE” father’s grace all that a father IS. I found out who “THE FATHER” is. I finally UNDERSTOOD.

Whenever I used to think of my father, I would feel regret, a DEEP sadness, and in my opinion the worst of negative feelings – abandonment. Those feelings have now been replaced with the BRIGHTEST LIGHT, the WARMEST WARMTH, and a wholeness that can only be explained by divine intervention. My purpose is to share that feeling…as it cannot be heard, nor seen, only FELT.

Dear Dad,

I am confident that if you had been given the opportunity, you would have done a tremendous job raising me. I know this because the couple of times that we did meet – you exuded love and fatherly virtue. I remember you gazing upon me in awe as if I were a diamond in the rough. I thank God for your absence during my childhood, it made me strive to be the best father I could be. The examples of love, compassion, and altruism you displayed, stay with me to this day – and are distilled into this book.

I know you are proud of me. I hear you whispering it into my ear as I type this. Everything I have ever accomplished and will accomplish, everything I have ever loved and will love; is BECAUSE OF YOU. Heaven is once again in possession of one of its most precious Angels. God be with you. You must KNOW that I love you. I LOVE YOU!!! “THESE THREE WORDS HAVE MY LIFE IN THEM.”

May God hold you – ALWAYS – in the palm of His almighty hands.

 

With LOVE, LIGHT, SINCERE appreciation, and UTMOST reverence,

Your LOVING son

~ An Excerpt from “Cast Your Light”